I previously wrote an article titled 12 Signs That You’re A Controlling Girlfriend. You can either click on the link to check it out, or read over the signs below:
- You get upset when he goes out with the guys
- You expect him to ask permission for making plans
- You demand his attention at all times
- You blow up his phone when he’s not around
- You’re clingy
- You feel as if he belongs to you
- You’re constantly criticizing him
- You keep tabs on his phone and social media
- You get jealous easily
- You have no respect for his alone time
- You belittle him
- You hold his past against him
By being a controlling and possessive partner, you are taking away any freedom your partner had to be themselves in front of you. You’re showing them that you’re trying to mold them into what you want to be and that is not fair. Remember all the reasons you fell in love with your partner. Do you really want to control their every move and change them into someone they’re not? When you hear it like that, I highly doubt that is what you intended.
If you recognize these habits in yourself, it’s okay. Well, not completely okay, but the fact that you recognize it is the first step, and now is the time to change! Read my tips below to become a NON-controlling girlfriend!
Don’t give him grief when he wants to go out with his friends
You certainly don’t want your boyfriend freaking out every time you want to hang out with the girls, so stop getting on him every time he wants to hang out with the guys. If you cause a scene every time he brings it up, it is going to cause tension and he’ll begin to feel as if you’re a parent who is lecturing him every time he wants to go have fun with his buddies.
When you think about him going out, you realize that you’ll be apart and you fear the fact that you won’t know exactly what he is doing during every second of the night. You have to realize that that’s okay. Trust him to make the right decisions and know that he wouldn’t dare do anything that could make him risk losing you.
Encourage his time away from you
Your boyfriend is going to need alone time and guy time. Both are equally important in a man’s life. Encourage him to take time to play basketball with his friends, video games with his brother, or watch a movie or nap all by himself. He needs time away to recharge so don’t just “allow it,” encourage it. He is a grown man who deserves to live a life outside of your relationship. Control will only smother him and push him to the edge and towards the inevitable breakup.
If you’re always there, texting him, calling him, and spending time with him he will never have a chance to miss you. Quit being the first to call and text and allow him to make that move. Go out and do something on your own or with a friend without informing him of your every move and he’ll be relieved to see you finding happiness through something else in your life besides him. It will definitely take pressure off of him and ultimately, bring you two closer. This will help you to realize that you have no reason to try to control him.
Leave the past in the past
If you have had a bad experience either with your current boyfriend or in a previous relationship, it can be easy to want to maintain so much control over your partner to ensure that you don’t get hurt again. But, the only way to truly be sure is to give them freedom, and let them make their own choices and mistakes. That is the only way you’ll ever be able to be sure that they can be trusted. Just let the past go and allow your relationship to take the course it’s meant to take. You trying to control him WILL NOT stop him from lying, cheating, or making bad decisions. The only thing that can prevent that from happening are the choices he makes. Accepting that fact can truly free you from this mindset.
Stop cyber stalking him and/or checking his phone
I have controlling tendencies since I suffer from terrible anxiety. One of the ways that really helped me learn to relinquish control was to avoid my boyfriend on social media. He only has two accounts; Facebook and Snapchat. He is very active on Snapchat while he could really care less about Facebook. When he would go out with his friends or family, he’d post a lot on Snapchat and that would lead to jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity for me, which then led to my need to control a situation that I had no control over. I would feel the need to know exactly what he was doing and I could fulfill that need by checking his social media and that became dangerous and damaging. It only worsened my controlling habits.
Finally, I removed the Snapchat app from my phone and it has made a huge difference. I no longer want to feed my anxiety, my control issues, and my bad habits so I removed the source and have been able to improve that aspect of my relationship simply by forcing myself to have to trust the situations that I can’t control.
Live a life outside of the relationship
One of the things I learned in my single days is how important it is to maintain hobbies, a career, and relationships with your friends and families. When you keep yourself busy outside of the relationship, you’ll be too focused on your own plans to constantly be worrying about what your boyfriend is doing. Control what you can, and accept what you cannot.
Don’t give into paranoia and anxiety
Anxiety and paranoia can force you into wanting to control situations that you may feel aren’t right. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, take action, but if you recognize that you’re being paranoid or anxious, find ways to help you cope through it instead of immediately turning to your partner and searching for answers and reassurance over nothing.
Respect his choices
Like I mentioned before, your boyfriend is his own separate person. He will make his own choices and I can already tell you that you will not like all of them, but it’s important that you still respect them. Even if you don’t approve, allow him to do things his own way and just hope for the best.
There are decisions my boyfriend makes that I don’t necessarily agree with, but they’re not decisions I would ever consider leaving the relationship over. Since they’re not bad enough to make me leave, I need to accept that these choices are apart of him and his flaws and I am choosing to love him anyway. But, if your boyfriend is making choices that you truly do not want to be apart of or that you just can’t bring yourself to accept, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and move on.
Tell him you’re proud of him
When you feel the need to control your relationship, you’re obviously not focusing on the positive aspects of it. Instead of berating your boyfriend over the bad decision he made, and lecturing him like a 3 year old, think about all the positive. Consider all of his positive qualities and remind yourself why you’re in love with him.
And considering you’ve been super controlling (or else you wouldn’t be reading this article), change it up, calm down, and tell him that you’re proud of the man that he is, even when he makes mistakes.
Reminding your man that you really are proud of him can be a big refresher for him. Constantly controlling him will make him feel like he can’t do anything right and that is a dangerous way to live in a relationship.
Live one day at a time
“One day at a time” has become the motto in my relationship. When I get anxiety and I’m feeling the need to control the situation no matter what it takes, it feels like it’s the end of the world. When I tell myself to take it one day at a time, I’m reminding myself that there is a tomorrow and that no matter what, life goes on and chances are, whatever I’m losing my mind over isn’t going to matter in the future.
Stop focusing on the past and the future and focus on right now. Focus on what is happening today and say “one day at a time.” Take life slowly and just take all the bullshit as it comes at you, because controlling everything all the time won’t stop the bad from happening, it’ll just stop you from enjoying the good.