I can guarantee that if you clicked on this article, you probably want it to be a big secret. You don’t want to seem clingy… needy… dependent… right? While you want to come across as a super confident and fantastic girlfriend, maybe your blood begins to boil a little bit and your heart races when your boyfriend says that he’s going out with his friends or spending some time at home with the family.
If this kind of stuff sets you off, it’s probably because you’re expecting your man’s entire life to revolve around you. And in turn, you’re probably expecting that because you’re insecure, controlling, jealous, possessive, afraid of abandonment, or any combination of those. This is also known as relationship anxiety.
I understand that this is a natural defense when you fear loss of your loved one. I understand because I have been there and this is a habit that is extremely hard to get over. You want to be on his mind every second of everyday. You want him to spend every minute of his free time with you. You want him to call on every break he takes at work. You want him to blow up your phone all day long so that you know he misses you. But here’s the thing; this is NOT reasonable if you want a happy, healthy, long lasting relationship.
It’s just not plausible. Period. End of story. You and your boyfriend MUST have interests outside of each other; friends, family, hobbies, work, etc. I know this seems impossible right now. Your first thought is probably, “but… what if we drift apart? How will I know he loves me if he’s not with me/thinking about me all the time? If I’m not on his mind 24/7 then there’s no way he can truly love me…” For those of you reading this article who don’t suffer with this issue, you’re probably thinking, “woah… stage 5 clinger alert…” and to be honest, that’s a pretty fair statement to make. I probably would have been offended by it in the beginning, but once I recognized my issues and learned to deal with them properly, I realized that I really was acting nuts. (Read 9 Ways To Stop Being The Clingy Girlfriend)
Expecting your boyfriend to dedicate his entire life to you is extremely unfair to him and it will only put pressure on the relationship. Before you came along he had friends he hung out with, he had a job he was committed to, he had family he enjoyed spending time with, he had hobbies that relaxed him in his free time. As hard as this can be to wrap your head around, you must understand that just because he has chosen you to share his life with does not mean that he must give up everything else.
In order to be the best girlfriend you can be, you must prove to him that you are looking to be a positive addition to his life, not the center of it. By expecting that out of your man, you’re just asking for a disastrous breakup. If your man knows that you expect him to have such an intense dedication to you, he will spend your entire relationship stressed to the max trying to please you until the day he finally says “fuck this” and moves on. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but it’s true.
Here are some common concerns and questions about the topic….
I worry that if his life doesn’t revolve around me we’ll drift apart.
No. No. And NO! Space is good, space is healthy. How would you feel if your boyfriend clung to you, got upset when you wanted to go out with friends, blew up your phone (even while you’re trying to sleep), and demanded your attention? You may not believe me now, but you’d get sick of it. You’d be tired of simply living to please someone else. It’s exhausting for your man and you should seriously thank him for dealing with your bad habit for so long!! In fact, if your man did that, most people would consider him controlling and mentally abusive… so why does that make it okay for you to do it?
By allowing your boyfriend to have other hobbies, responsibilities, and people in his life, it’ll actually bring you even closer.
What if he doesn’t think about me/miss me when we’re apart?
He does!! I guarantee you that your man spends quite a bit of time thinking of you and missing you when you’re apart. But remember, men are different. They don’t communicate this nearly as much as women, so often times we just assume that they don’t think of us and that is definitely not the case. Of course he enjoys doing other things and seeing other people, but he’s still happy and thankful that he gets to end his day by coming home to you (also metaphorically if you don’t actually live together.) In fact, by respecting your man enough to respect the other aspects of his life, it’ll just make him love you and miss you more. When he sees how understanding and amazing you are, you’ll actually be on his mind even more than you think…
If I’m not on his mind 24/7 then there’s no way he can truly love me.
Yeah, that’s a big N-O right there… While you may be much more obsessed with your relationship than your man, is he really on your mind every single second? If he is, please seek professional help…
Even clingy girls find other things to think about. They get busy at work, they’re having fun with friends, or they get caught up with a hobby. Does that mean you simply don’t love your boyfriend anymore? Chances are, once your mind is back on him, you’re smiling like a fool and thinking about how awesome that last date was, how you can’t wait to see him later on, or just how lucky you are to have him.
Ladies, he does the same damn thing. While his mind gets busy with other things, once his thoughts do come back around to you, he’s still loving you just as much.
If he’s giving other people attention, does that mean I’m not a priority?
I will be the first to admit that I used to struggle (and still struggle) with some of the things that I write about. My boyfriend going out with his friends is one of them. (Read 7 Ways To Stop Being Anxious About Your Boyfriend Going Out With His Friends)
My insecurities would tell me that just because he wanted to spend a night hanging out with his friends that it must mean that they’re more important and I’m no longer a priority. Stupid, right? Well, just the other day while I was expressing my crazy concerns with one of my boyfriend’s closest friends, he said to me, “I will tell you right now, that he always puts you first. Always. You’re always his priority above everything else. Even before we go out, he’ll say ‘hold on. I have to call my baby and say goodnight to her first.'” Another friend of his once told me that “he is always bringing you up when we talk. He talks about you all the time. He’ll say things like ‘oh, I have to remember to tell her about that,’ or ‘we did the funniest thing the other day.'”
Hearing these things from outside sources was actually really reassuring to me and it reminded me that just because I don’t see things these happening, or I’m not there to hear my boyfriend say those things, doesn’t mean they’re not happening! Trust your man and have enough faith in your relationship to know that you are a priority. You are important. He loves you! Regardless of how busy his life is, and even though it cannot revolve around you, he still chose to spend it with you by his side.
Just be happy.